if i really had to lipsync || for my death || i would be
screaming every word || just think || your final song
and you don’t get to choose it || for yourself || someone else
critiques || someone else’s audience from hell || and
if they give you something difficult || the world might fall away
just because you never learnt || to be fierce || to fake it
till you make it || maybe || that’s where i’ve gone wrong
not pretending hard enough || performing || who i want to be
oblivion || don’t think oblivion || for faltering || to Kesha
think oblivion || for botched death drops || from 10,000 feet
fail big || don’t fail at home || fail as publicly as possible || pose
for your final selfie || imagine || dancing to a funeral march
the lord’s prayer || your family’s favourite hymns || you know
i stopped mouthing words || in church || years ago
*
the / perfect / woman
a new drag / a brash style
of self-declaration / hip-pads
tit-tape / big love / reflecting me
back to me / via a tv screen
via a man / what it means / words
what do words mean / incitement
to / from / femininity / for a self
by implication / a dedicated self
who gets to say / what a woman is
it is not / binary / it’s not even
necessary / no rules / no bicycles
my parents’ fears / gone / the known
dressed as / the amazing / and me
a fan of / curiosity / whose competition
is this / whose culture / is left out
of this / flawed consumerism / delight
gender / as allusion / as freedom
green eyeliner / everyone / sharing time
the difficult joy / in just / being
*
Invisible Days
'I was pregnant seven times […] I lost them all'
Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest
it’s those early invisible days
when no one knows anything
and everything is possible
after the loss
the unexpected loss
you wish the air would run away
take away the endless chatter
of internal dialogue Christina
bring me the axe
there but for the grace of no wire hangers
there but for the grace of melodrama
I don’t know how to do this without humour
remember those early invisible days
when everything is possible
and I feel inexplicably like my best self
for a short while
*
LA Story
a hot dog flies
over the hills of Hollywood
an endless gesture, a tired clown
let your mind go
and your body will follow
learn to laugh
learn to be happy
learn how to predict the weather
*
Sunset and La Brea
Driving on, Gerry told me the Chaplin studios off Sunset and La Brea were taken over by Henson who superimposed a Kermit head where Charlie Chaplin’s used to be, which I took to mean that everything is ephemeral, including our systems for attributing worth, meaning and reputation, you know, LA was a desert once, the Grand Canyon wasn’t always a canyon, and what happens when you turn the sprinklers off, turn the sprinklers on, and I watched that video about being turned into a tree after you die, no matter what happened in your personal life, though they say cremation is more practical, but what is practical, really, and I wonder at what point in human history the dead started to outnumber the living, pretty quickly I guess, with survival of the fittest, still, I like being alive in a time of muppets, as the world goes on changing, and who wouldn’t want to fall in love with everything, to reach a hand out the window as it all breezes past?
Contents List
11 on lipsyncing || for || your || life
I
14 ! katya !
15 the / perfect / woman
16 Bobbie Gentry, Shangri-Las, Sonic Youth
19 Tangled
20 poem = sorry
21 Beating Face
22 Signing Off
II
24 Joke
25 Invisible Days
26 Voyage to the Copier Room
27 The Average Woman
28 Lamb
29 Making Kim-Joy’s Recipe for Multicoloured Shortbread Buttons
30 Aphra the Destroyer
III
32 LIEBE
IV
44 O Goat Moon
V
48 LA Story
49 Improv
50 Magic Kingdom
51 Improv
52 Moon Illusion
53 Improv
54 At Griffith Observatory
56 Improv
57 Sunset and La Brea
58 Improv
59 Yellow Reflection
60 Improv
VI
62 Dimpsy
63 Holdfasts
64 Introduction to Charts
71 Stingray Gambit
