Trouble is, I love that girl. Still, where there’s life…
We almost hugged, then you had to push off
to do your stuff. I hoped you could use mine.
Nothing’s impossible, you said, from far away.
*
Hylda
i.m. Hylda Baker 1909-1986
Nine was the age the likes of her learnt
how to lip-read at the mill;
to flap their silent mouths in turn.
But Hylda found her voice inside this act,
talent that kept her in pink gins for years:
a popular comedienne, bottom of the bill.
Funny, then, to be described by Delfont
as an overnight success, proprietress
of Pledge’s Pickle Factory on ITV.
They said that show went to her head.
Deaf to them, she changed her tipple to a lot
of crème de menthe, bought a bungalow
in Cleveleys, quilted bedroom floor to ceiling,
cocktail bar an opera box, doorbell
singing Come Back to Sorrento
as she warned reporters,
Don’t be dazzled by the décor –
it’s contemporary.
Barred from playing panto dame,
she made her men wear dresses, let them stay
on the condition they were dumb.
Her harem swelled, and neighbours,
outraged yet refined, presented a petition:
Please leave. Thank you.
This prompted the flagpole with
You haven’t had the pleasure of me yet
flown every day and twice for matinees.
Spandex at seventy, that bump-and grind
with Arthur Mullard on Top of the Pops,
and then she died, demented,
utterly alone – unmourned
by impresarios and sisterhoods alike.
Nine was the number at her funeral.
Contents List
11 The Opener
12 Juvenile
13 Coming On Strong
14 Revival
15 The Fish Fryer
16 No Contest
17 Lady Be Good
18 Hylda
20 Heart
21 Glasgow Empire
22 Bad Impresario
23 Accept No Imitations
24 Family Business
25 My Old Man
26 The Call of the Wild
28 Raising Steam
29 And They’re Off!
30 Night Class
31 The World’s Greatest Whistler
32 Morton Fraser’s Harmaniacs
33 The Man with the Xylophone Skull
34 The Ray Conniff Singers
36 Tiddly Om Pom Pom
37 Slave Song
38 Straight Man
39 Frontiersman
40 The Reluctant Sitter
42 Anthony Howell and His Disenchanted Sow
43 Largesse
44 The Art of Hunger
45 Praise Poem
46 Zazel, The Shooting Star!
47 Without a Net
48 Dr Zhivago
49 Power Sharing
50 The Dancing Quakers
51 Inextricable
52 The Audience
54 Exotica
55 Widow Twankey
56 Burlington Bertie
57 Out from Under
58 Mary Poppins
59 Self Help
60 Saddled
61 Better Out Than In
62 Beyond Belief
63 Crowd Control
64 Engagement
65 Controlled Explosion
66 Le Pétomane
67 Castrato
68 Tragedian
69 Nightmare Scenario
70 Lo! Hear the Gentle Lark
71 Foreign Exchange
72 Counter Culture
73 Brass Band
74 Pleasure Craft
75 Response
76 Bad Rap
77 Roughage
78 Three Sightings of Batman
80 The Hard Stuff
81 Little Wonder
82 Go Gentle
83 Street Cred
84 The Man Who Killed Houdini
85 Here’s Looking at You
86 Lament
87 Buccaneer
88 Double Act
89 Scandal
90 Vintage
91 Clever Bugger
92 Civic Theatre
93 Hostess Trolley
94 Dumbing Up
95 Town Crier
96 Light Brigade
97 Speech Coach
98 A Funny Thing Happened…
99 Dun Roamin’
100 Confidence Trick
101 Caretaker
102 Immense
103 Above All
104 Vera
105 Eleven, Plus
106 Stepping Out
107 The Belly Dancers of Burnage
108 Crossing the Floor
109 The Highland Live-Wire
110 Hostilities
112 I’m Here All Week!
113 All the Rage
114 Chanteur
116 Memory Man
117 Soul Mates
118That’s Your Lot
119Notes
127 Bibliography
Related Reviews
'In a sequence of thirty-one sonnets celebrating famous Music Hall and Variety performers, Keith Hutson shows just how right Eliot was when arguing that Marie Lloyd represented and expressed "that part of the English nation which has perhaps the greatest vitality and interest". From Lottie Collins’s Ta-ra-ra Boom-de-ay and Vesta Tilly’s Burlington Bertie to the saucily cross-dressing Anita Harris on The Good Old Days, Hutson lets us see why Goebbels wanted to execute all Music Hall entertainers. Humour lifts the veil on our prejudices and hypocrisies, at the level of genius in Shakespeare and Dickens, as glorious subversive entertainment brought back to life in these wonderful poems.' – William Bedford, on Routines
'From Georgie Doonan kicking his own backside to Tubby Turner wrestling a deckchair, this is a pamphlet guaranteed to leave the reader wanting more. What an array of music hall stars Keith Hutson parades before us in these witty, beautifully handled sonnets. Master of quick-fire comedy, rather like the characters he brings back to life, this poet to watch gives us a "contortionist who couldn’t make ends meet", a fryer of imaginary fish who "makes every spit and spatter count", his younger self as a "chubster with a nan who made me laugh / like I was full of helium". Like Reg Gardiner, Hutson leaves us "travelling to Variety, first class". First class, indeed, I can’t wait to read his full collection.' – Carole Bromley, on Routines
‘Knowing, funny, sad, virtuoso, these compelling sonnets bring theatrefuls of yesteryear vividly to life. Keith Hutson explores art as artfulness, performance as a way of coping, or seeming to. His ad-libs are perfectly timed and if we laugh out loud at his routines, we flinch too at the “imaginary hot fat” of the risks his characters take by being centre-stage.’ – Peter Sansom, on Routines